I'm starting to hate snowblowers

Its not that I hate the snowblower itself, just the idea that most of my neighbors own one and I refuse to buy one.

Its an age thing! I figure at 49 years old, I can still get out and shovel the driveway when it snows. I am , in fact, trying to dispel the utterly outrageous myth that I'm getting older.

While I'm shoveling and remembering that I'm only 49, throwing the snow up on the front yard, I'm really praying that the plow only comes by after my kids get home from work or school or girlfriends houses. So yes, I am - at that moment - considering myself a good Catholic while shoveling the snow off of my 4 car driveway.

Deeper thoughts have my children clearing off the plows dastardly work.

I honestly think the plow drivers smile while clearing the side-roads and laugh when plowing us back to the stone-age.

But I guess God knows my inner thoughts ... every time I'm about to throw a shovel-full of the white stuff up on the front yard - the wind picks up and blows a good batch back in my face. This is my own fault, you see - cause while I'm praying the plowman is late, I'm secretly watching most of my neighbors smiling away with their snowblowers.

At this point I'm noticing a literal horde of snow-blowers with their owners behind them (like dogs on a leash), clearing the driveways across this neighbourhood - there are at least 10 people within sight all snow-blowing to their hearts content.

At any moment I'm expecting oodles of 'Oompa-Loompas' to jump out and start singing.

"OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DOO

I'VE GOT A PERFECT SNOW PILE FOR YOU
OOMPA LOOMPA, DOOMPADAH DEE
IF YOU ARE WISE YOU'LL LISTEN ME
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU BLOW AWAY SNOW
BLOWING AS MUCH AS TEN SHOVELS CAN THROW
WHAT ARE YOU AT GETTING TERRIBLY FAT
WHY NOT SHOVEL AND EXERCISE AT THAT
I DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF IT
OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DAH
IF YOU BLOW AWAY THOSE NEIGHBORS

DOOMPADEE DOO
YOU WILL LIVE IN HAPPINESS
LIKE THE OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DO
DOOMPADEE DOO "

Not only are the snow-blower owners smiling and almost dancing with delight, the rascals have the time to turn off their demonic snowblowers and have a conversation with the other snow-blower owners next door or across the street!

I think there might be a secret snow-blower society in town. Its a conspiracy I tell you, a conspiracy! They are all plotting against us neanderthal snow shovelers! If not plotting against us, at least they are rubbing our noses in the snow flakes.

As I continue to clear away this heavy powder a second demonic sight greets me... the dreaded contractor clearing the snow.

A few minutes after my realization about the snow-blower club, a contractor with a huge plow comes along and clears my next door-neighbors drive way in 3 minutes flat!

Yes I did time him! I had needed a break (rest-time) from the 45 minutes I had spent clearing my 5 car driveway. So while I was catching my breath, I watched in horror as he cleared her lane and the wind picked up and blew a ton of it right onto my driveway (Sorry, yes God I was envious).

Well, its almost dark now and I'm almost done this darn 8 car driveway, when a sound from around the corner makes me scream like a little girl! The street plow ... the one I have been praying would stay away.... is here - right around the corner!

What are my options?

Quickly I look around. I could park the car in front of the driveway and force him to go around. No, I dismiss this idea, it would just block me in and get the plow-driver angry. Besides its a new white car, why take a chance he would go straight or has issues with depth perception? I could lie down at the end of the driveway, pretend I had a heart attack, and he would go around so as not to cover me with snow. Again I dismiss this plan, he might get out of the truck and give me mouth-to-mouth - and eeeeek, I would rather have a heart-attack.

I could throw the wife in the snow and have her beg on her knees for the driver to go the other way, but again, depth perception comes to mind....

I'm out of ideas, and he has turned the corner and is looking straight at my lane-way. I can just barely make out a hideous smile on the driver's face. It seems to stretch from cheek to cheek and if he knows what evil he is about to inflict on me!

I simply succumb and realize that my hard work will soon be plowed over. and this conspiracy will continue through the remaining Winter, the inevitable Spring snow blizzard and into the summer when grass-cutting starts.

Just as he's about to floor it and ram the snow into my 10 car driveway, God must have taken pity on me and my oldest son returns home. The driver sees this and realizes I'm not going to shovel it all, so he simply does a normal plowing, the smile gone and gives me a sad but almost evil glance as he passes my entrance way.

Yes, Lord I am a true believer. You tested me, and I passed!!!

Now....If I see even 1 riding lawnmower in my neighborhood this summer.....